Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
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If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.