Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
You Might Also Like
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Guys, I found it.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*