An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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Friday night party time 🥳
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
my dad has had enough
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳