An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.


A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating


I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.


If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.


If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read


CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.


Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.