I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
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I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Childbirth is so beautiful
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath