Childbirth is so beautiful
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
My dad.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.