STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
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Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.