doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
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I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.