I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
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A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.