I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
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My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
😏😏😏
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
a fate I wish upon no one
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.