Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
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agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Covid like
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner