Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
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sigh
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out