I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
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boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.