Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

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I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.


the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit


[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*


Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)


Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.


Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.


[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else


My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.