ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
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Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’