I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
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*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
This January has 47 Mondays
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.