*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
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My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Who’s your best friend?
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”