Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
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whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Schrödinger’s Dumpster