Schrödinger’s Dumpster
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And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?