Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans