The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
live long and prosper!
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
me when I see my crush
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.