ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
You Might Also Like
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!