[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
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Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
sensitive skin
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks