He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
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My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
What a website
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?