If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
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The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
the rocks need my help
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.