[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
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*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes