Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??