my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
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Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids