I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
No one :
Me when I swimming :
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.