Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Swedish for common sense.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.