I’m crying im so happy for them
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[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.