Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
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Baking is just science you can eat.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
good let them take over I have had enough
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My safe word is Worcestershire
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
The Compass
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To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.