I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
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Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
DOOO EEEET
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*