DOOO EEEET
You Might Also Like
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My support group can outdrink your support group.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere