Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
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Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Holy shit he’s back
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.