Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
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When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Not all heroes wear capes….
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.