I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
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How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Confused owl: What?!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet