My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
You Might Also Like
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Try and stop me.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that