When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
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Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?