DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
You Might Also Like
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
the chicken was already gone when I got here
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
How actors in movies eat their food
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.