going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
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doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)