going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people: