Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
You Might Also Like
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..