To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
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Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.