We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
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Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Sorry not sorry.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.