If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
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Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.