Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
The happy life.. 😊
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked