[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
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Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.