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What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Every work call, he judges.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.