jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Penguins walking in 5x speed
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.