Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
You Might Also Like
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!