I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
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[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Every work meeting this week
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses